So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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