if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
