He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
