even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
