look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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