This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
