god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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