Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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