It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
