When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
