I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I didn't notice because vodka
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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