nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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