the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
