My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found the puke drawer
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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