WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
