just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
