Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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