I need to stop coming to work sober
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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