I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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