clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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