come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
