Someone shit on the floor
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
