your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
