Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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