OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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