Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
