mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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