If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
