someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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