The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
