Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
