So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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