Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
