ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
