Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
