if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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