I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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