This is not my ceiling
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize