she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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