Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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