I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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