when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
