TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
