I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
