You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
God, I missed his penis.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
