saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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