You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
