Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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