she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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