I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
