My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
