i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
