my phone needs a breathalizer
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
