He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
