I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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